Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
