I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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