I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
