Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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