I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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