There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
