You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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