No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Randomize
