Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm at about main and main street
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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