OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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