can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
