I faked an abortion last night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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