You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
