Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He kissed a someone with a penis
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
