Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
