someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
