I want to stick my p in your. b.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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