You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
