I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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