...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
