I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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