epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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