its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i drank out of a bidet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
