I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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