The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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