who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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