Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize