I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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