My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
