Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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