you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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