Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
