I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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