**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
