It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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