Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
there is puke in my bra ... again
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