its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
