Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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