i think my tv is drunk
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
