I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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