Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
