i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
