wat bout pragnant strippers??
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
