I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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