We named our party play list daddy issues
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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