I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
