Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
