i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
