I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
