your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
