sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
