He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
