I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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