omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
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He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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