Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
